This article is a part of the FUNNYSMASHRELATABLE OPINIONS category. This means that the words stated are the author's opinion, and may not be objective. Remember to use critical thinking when reading op-eds and not take everything stated as fact. Thank you for reading and enjoy the rest of this piece.
Ignore the crap warning I am required by my corporate jew overlords to write
This may be an "Opinions" article, but I'll be damned if I'm not speaking the truth and nothing but the truth. I, Bobbyson, or Dave Jones as my state mandated driver's license says, will expose this fraud of the name Alan Lopez working for NintendoLife. I do want to mention, that as a Journalist I do respect NintendoLife as a publication and am not writing this hitpiece about them. Only their complete dunce of a keyboard pincher, Mr. (doubt he's even married) Lopez.
What grabbed my attention?
I am no stranger to Mr. Lopez's rejected middle school essays, sorry I mean, "articles" on the website NintendoLife. I have read them before and thought "Oh okay, another bullhonky article that took no effort and was made to reach a weekly quota, got ya. Moving on" but upon this occasion I was disgusted and I projectile vomited after reading the absolute journalistic travesty that was "Soapbox: If The Smash Community Wants To #SaveSmash, It Needs To Start From Within"
And I am not alone in this outrage. Smashers and fellow competing journalists alike took to the shitter, I mean, Twitter to give their feedback. And it gets pretty ugly. Here is one of the replies to the NintendoLife tweet:
I agree with Wowser, on this sentiment. Ignore the femoid below his post however, she is an Onlyfanite. That being said, if you haven't read this article yet I will break it down for you and show you 3 excerpts from it, which are the main points of the article, and then afterward I will proceed to list 10 reasons why Alan Lopez is a phony, a fraud, and needs to be fired.
Here is an image of the article
As you can see the article is labelled as "Soapbox". For those who are not smart enough to become journalists, that means "opinionated drivel that you are bound to dislike immediately".
Here is an excerpt from his Soapbox snoozefest:
"#FreeMelee. You have to admit, it’s a catchy slogan. Borrowing language from the handbook of the oppressed, #FreeMelee and #SaveSmash assembles in the mind a David versus Goliath narrative that's impossible not to root for. Build a coalition of online support, as the hashtag mantra goes, and you’ve got yourself a real fighting chance against an otherwise insurmountable foe.
But the problem with #SaveSmash, though, is that it comes during a year which has featured one of the biggest scandals in competitive Smash history. The professional Smash community is not even a handful of months removed from an unthinkable avalanche of over 60 sexual assault and harassment accusations and admissions, many of which were both purportedly and committed by brand ambassadors and highly-visible enthusiasts. Since then, some streamers have fled the scene and sponsors have dropped out, but by and large, the community has seemingly done precious little to reckon with those truths, at least from what I can see. All they really did was just sort of start, then stop talking about it."
The author here acts as if the Smash community has done little to nothing to take care of the sex criminal controversy that happened this year. But if you haven't been living under a rock for the past 7 months you would know that all the confirmed rapists, sex criminals, and fraudulent smash war lords have been deservingly judged and ousted from the scene.
The author also points out how #FreeMelee uses a David VS. Goliath type narrative, as if that is somehow inaccurate or wrong. Yes, a small grass roots scene gathering support from regulars online against Nintendo, a multi billion dollar corporation who could crush the melee community to pieces if they really wanted to at the expense of consumer respect, very much is a David VS. Goliath scenario.
Now get a load of this next point.
Reparation for the 60+ victimes (an exaggerated number might I add) "of any tangible worth" is solely up to the victims and their families/colleagues. It is not our job as a community to fund and take legal action against predators who have been exposed in our community. A majority of the smash community has no means to contribute financially to the prospects of helping those affected. And a vast majority of those affected do not need financial support anyways.
Then Lopez tries to spin the defending comments and statements made by diehard fans of the accused as a overall """mixed""" reaction from the community. The so called """"mixed"""" reaction to what these predators did were a minority of replies and tweets that were either:
a. children who watched said predator and did not understand the situation at hand, and are not old enough to own a Twitter account defending the predator youtuber
b. People waiting for a statement from the accused and not jumping the gun immediately and grabbing torches and pitchforks (which eventually they did, because the accused admitted to their crimes)
So your failed attempt to undermine our community's (note: community, not organization) reaction to the sex crimes comitted not only doesn't make sense, but shows that you are ignorant and biased against the Smash community because you didn't feel like we did enough.
And yes, Lopez. letting The Big House 10 go on to be played, and not cancelling it would have put the Smash scene as it stands in a "better place". Lopez goes on to make another terrible point in his article.
Where was all this unbridled energy before? Everywhere, Lopez. Were you living under a rock during these times? And why is allowing for a woman TO a "desperately needed change". Women can get the job if they have a footing with the Smash community and are qualified for the job. And the truth is Lopez, that smash doesn't really attract that many women. Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a female presence in this community.. but how many top level female professionals on the Panda Global Ratings top 100 system can you name off the top of your head? Can you even fill one hand of fingers? The smash community is a sausage fest and forcing it to diversify is a recipe for disaster. You will be opening the floodgates for even more pointless pandering, and possible unqualified job candidates who can ruin events. Do us a favor and keep your smelly opinions out of our face. Because our audience is smelly enough as it is.
Little Lightweight Lopez goes on to say:
"This is not too harsh a take, especially when you consider that no fewer than six of the people who stood on the stage of Nintendo’s global Smash Bros. E3 events and who shook series creator Masahiro Sakurai’s hand have been accused of (and admitted to) everything from serial harassment to rape. This coming after Nintendo uncharacteristically extended an olive branch to its most dedicated fans, giving them a global stage and grand acknowledgement when it didn’t have to. And while this move has hardly been symbiotic, it at least was."
First off, if you have to start your next statement off with "This is not too harsh of a take" it probably is. And secondly, it is unfortunate that the stars aligned in just the wrong way for 6 prominent figures later exposed to have had all that attention.. that being said, to say that Nintendo "uncharacteristically" extended an olive branch to the competitive smash community is absurd.
Nintendo obviously supported the competitive smash community because they were playing Super Smash Bros. for Wii U (Smash 4) a game that made them money. Unlike Melee. That's not to say that all Nintendo cares about is money.. it just points out how ignorant you are. Nintendo is not this evil big bad guy when it comes to smash, we'll both agree that when it comes to Melee in particular the history has not been great. But Nintendo has always been very loving and supportive of the communities surrounding their new Smash Bros. Releases. Saying Nintendo didn't have to give it's newer fighting games with a highly competitive background a global stage is dumb. Nintendo didn't hold invitationals and bring Reggie to fight Hungrybox for millions to see out of the sheer generosity of their hearts. They did it because they knew it would be a great business descision and would accomplish what their primary goals as a company have been for more than a century, which is to make people have fun.
I could go on, but that would be boring and waste both your time, and my own time. So I will wrap up this FUNNYSMASHRELATABLE OPINION piece with 10 researched and supported reasons why Alan Lopez is the worst journalist of 2020.
10 Reasons why Alan Lopez is the worst journalist of 2020:
Here are my big 10. My reasons based on conducted research and the many many generally frowned upon things I have been able to discover about this vile smelly man.
10: This article
Do I really need to mention anything else? You can go read the full article and dig up as many bad points and as much filler as you'd like. Go ahead, I encourage it. You might even have a good laugh
9: He is lazy
As you can see, his NintendoLife profile isn't even sorted correctly. Not a single post of his has been linked to his account. Shameful, really. And if you thought it couldn't get any worse, then think again. Go read some of his other lazy journalism (granted you can even find any)
8: He is a phony
7: Nobody likes him
He paid this man to be in a photo with him.
6: He is fat
Look at this fatty. This was only 3 months ago. What a yoyo.
5: He doesn't like The Big Bang Theory
When Sheldon made his debut bazinga in 2008... Little Lightweight Lopez changed the channel.... to OWN! You have got to be kidding me.
4: Makes femoids fight his battles
4: Makes femoids fight his battles
When Alan was a highschooler he got this female to walk with him everywhere he went in exchange for pokemon cards because she is a NERD. He used to get bullied a lot. But with her by his side the bullies saw different kinds of opportunities.
3: Might be Swedish
Need not reply if Ikean.
2: Supports the deaths of astronauts
Another bad take, this time you could even say it's an astronomically bad take.
1. He is enemies with Phil Spencer
If you don't hate Alan Lopez as much as I do even after hearing this, then that's okay. But please see a doctor, be may be surprised about your diagnosis.
NintendoLife should fire Alan Lopez for being a bad journalist. I have made my case and I wish you well. Thank you for reading, and remember to support Israel in these trying times in their fight against Ghanian hackers.