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10, Oct 2020 02:04 AM
News
10, Oct 2020 07:55 AM

Surviving 2020 as a Smash Player

4 easy lifehacks to help you deal with this pandemic as a Smash Bros. player.

Posted  146 Views updated 1 month ago

The Impact

Arguably no other game community has been hit harder by the 2020 Coronavirus Pandemic than Super Smash Bros’.

A game that thrives off of it's real life in person competitions cannot survive during a pandemic, that is a truth that hit us all like a freight train earlier this year. The year began promising too, with the announcement of the Smash World Tour and the possible Iranian war. 

So how can you as a Smash Bros. player deal with this pandemic that has destroyed the very game you loved so much? Here are some of the steps you can take, and the facts you can trust that will guide us as a community through this pandemic with ease. 


 

Wash your controller

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Washing your controllers is a must nowadays. Not only because dirty controllers can cause the spread of Covid-19. But also because less than 1% of smash players asked about controller hygiene even knew what it was. So do yourself a favor, and take some initiative to be a step above the other 99% of smash players and take care of your controller. If you do not feel comfortable washing your controller then there are other options, which include: Scrubbing your controller with hand sanitizer, Disassembling your controller and individually washing each part, Applying superglue to the crevices to prevent dust/gunk buildup, or even using a combination of dish soap/gojo grease and steel wool to reinvigorate the surface area and clean the exterior and interior of the controller. All in all a clean and healthy controller will be one of your greatest assets if you want to become a successful smash pro.

Avoid Quickplay

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Quickplay is suggested to be one of the worst online gaming experiences in competitive gaming ever invented. And it has held this position fruitfully ever since 2018. Any doctor or therapist would recommend against playing quickplay due to it's terrible connections, awful ratings system, abysmal qualification factors (Elite Smash), and other technical issues that Nintendo will likely never fix. Instead of wasting your time with this mode, you should invest in a LAN cable and play some user created battle arenas instead. Not only will you possibly make a friend but you can also actually count on solid rules, a decently stable connection, and someone playing anything other than Sonic, the newest fighter, and an anime swordfighter.

SMASHFACT: Quickplay Causes a Plethora of Medical Issues

Symptoms that extended Quickplay hours can induce:

- Headache

- Severe Migraines

- Extensive Pulsation

- Seizures (In epilectic players)

- Heart Attack

- Death

- Schizophrenic Episodes (In players with Schizophrenia)

- Frustrative Urges

- Self Inflicted Harm

- Becoming a Fan of Leffen

- Fatal Poisoning (In players who decide to drink Cyanide after losing to the same Sonic for the 9th time in a row)

- Pain of all kinds

- Unbearable Suffering on a Mental and Physical level

 

A majority of these symptoms are uncommon, however do be wary of the true destructive power of Quickplay

Watch Hungrybox Streams Instead of Doing Your Virtual Homework

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This one is for our younger audience and our students. Hungrybox is an entertainer at heart and the perfect alternative to wasting away doing monochrome soul crushing assignments over virtual learning. So for your health, be sure to tune in to Hungrybox on Twitch and maybe even drop a follow or more if you would like to. Hungrybox would also appreciate it if you could order sandwiches at Jersey-Mike's Subs for your family this christmas. It's the perfect gift, and it won't even give your family more Covid-19 cases. Other streamers work too for improving your mental state such as Mang0, MKleo, and Markiplier.

Train with Joycons

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Joycons are the future of Smash Bros. Once the pandemic is over, smash majors are going to be flooded with neon colored pillars of controller godliness. The joycons are truly the apex of controllers. It is well known that when you are good at Smash Bros. using the Joycons that you have an objective tactical advantage to your opponent. They are light. can be held/moved wherever you want. They have HD rumble technology to make you really feel like an anime swordfighter. And to top it off, every switch comes with a pair. The only reason why Joycons haven't picked up in the competitive scene is because players are just too accustomed to Gamecube and Pro controllers to switch. So use this extended period of dormancy to improve with the Joycons.

Conclusion

2020 is hard for all of us. And hardest for the Smashers of this world. But there are many steps you can take to improve your life during these times. And the 4 we provided are very easy, so easy in fact that a toddler can do it. So you have no excuse. Remember: Wash your controller, Avoid Quickplay, Watch Hungrybox, and Use Joycons. And most importantly, don't die.


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3 Comments

rodent1
rodent1

metA KNight

REPLY
Dredan Laurier Marcel Robert

i agree with this article! obviously the journalist is a frequent player of smash, and really knows the ins and outs of what's going on and how to live on a daily basis as a smash player. truly though-provoking and innovative stuff! great job unnamed journalist, who's only name I can see was "admin" with king dedede as their profile picture.

REPLY
Dann Dingus
Dann Dingus

And what ever you do, do NOT led everyone know you are a pedophile.

REPLY